Meathead Diaries

2006-08-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

2006-08-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

2006-08-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

HOT NEW ZOMBIES VS. ALIENS TRACK: "High"

None of you guys have probably heard of the underground indie band Zombies vs. Aliens, so here's a taste.

2006-08-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

MY SECOND STAB AT ALTERNATIVE COMEDY

Hopefully I'll get Toni back with this one.

2006-08-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

MY STAB AT ALTERNATIVE COMEDY

Enjoy my bodcast.

Here's the lyrics to that Jet parody:

"Are You Gonna Be My Ally?"

Tell me 1 2 3
Tell me hos's it gonna be
Cuz if we're gonna be in this war together
Then you gotta be my ally

We are in
This together
We are gonna
Fight together

I got Britain
I got Poland
But now I don't have Japan

I miss my alliance
But now Poland just pulled out

So Britain?
Are you gonna be my ally?

I could see
Us in a war
But now we're not allies with Japan
Japan pulled out
And so did Poland
So I must ask Great Britain
Are you gonna be my ally?

2006-08-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

In this post, I teach you how to make fun of men and women during your comedy act.

2006-08-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

HOW TO DO A FUNNY SONG PARODY

Here's the lyrics to that Tila Tequila song

"I Wanna Fuck Tila Tequila" Lyrics:

I wanna fuck Tila Tequila
I wanna cop a feela
On an 18 wheeler
My balls look like soccer balls that say "Fila"
Oh...Keebler

I wanna fuck Tila Tequila
On an 18 wheeler
My balls look like soccer balls that say "Fila:
Keebler

I'm so glad that she's not Toni
I HATE my ex-girlfriend Toni
She's so stupid
cuz she won't fuck me anymore
She wants to fuck Bright Eyes
The stupid whore
But Tila Tequila?
Yeah, you know what Toni
You're right
Tila Tequila wanted to fuck me
Yeah
When you fought me
Saying that Tila Tequila wanted to fuck me
Cuz she was on my ????? on MySpace
Well guess what Toni
She did want to fuck me
Oooh!
I WANNA FUCK TILA TEQUILA
I wanna fuck her on an 18 wheeler
My balls look like soccer balls that say Fila
Keebler

UPDATE: OK, you got me, Tila Tequila doesn't really want to fuck me. But I wanna fuck Tila Tequila. I ain't the only one. Oh Tila if you're reading this, muuuah!

2006-08-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

DENNIS MILLER STYLE COMEDY

Today I'm going to teach you how to sound smart, like Dennis Miller-a great American hero.

2006-08-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

DELIVERY: GUY ERNEST STYLE

You know, food isn't only about how it tastes but how it looks. And comedy isn't about how it sounds, but how it's delivered.

2006-08-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

BEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME

Look at those colors! Amazing! It's so trippy. And stoned. And cooked. And ripped. And roasted. And toasted. And high on marijuana.

2006-08-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

MY KIND OF GAME

for my kind of guy

(from water coooler)

2006-08-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

IMPROV STAND-UP

NUFF SAID

2006-08-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

GOOGBYE AUDIO BOOK HELLO STAND-UP COMEDY

2006-08-01T14:04:00.000-07:00

HERE'S MY SECOND INTRODUCTION

2006-07-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

MY NEW AUDIO BOOK, MEAT CHIC: REVENGE OF THE JOCKS

What's up douchebags. I'm back from my Florida trip. In my time off I did some thinking and I came uo with a new audio book called Meat Chic: Revenge of the Jocks.

I have a new idea called brain supplements. I work at Vitamin Universe and all day I sell supplements for the body. Here are some supplements for the brain that go along with my audio book.

Rolling Stone talks about how meathead fights are the future of the internet

Why Ebaum's World is the site for meatheads

Jane McGonigal babbles like a stupid kiki bird about how video games are like performances and plays

2006-07-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

i'm on vacation on florida

c u monday douchebags

2006-07-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

NEED TO FORGET A STUPID FLOOZY?

Go to Ebaum's World and check out their stand-up section.

I swear I am not crying at the end. I am laughing. I'm screaming "Why" because I am jealous that I am not this funny.

2006-07-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

MY IDEA FOR A SHOW FOR HBO SUNDAY NIGHT

Starring ME!

2006-07-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

SNOBS UNITE!

Here's my take on the rumor that Apple and Nintendo are teaming up to have old Nintendo games on the iPod.

2006-07-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

Smooth versis Stupid

Today, I talk about Bush giving the Queen of Germany a massage, how stupid comedy music is and how beatiful David Hasslehoff's music is.

Here's the full video for David Hasselhoff's "Looking for Freadom."

2006-07-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

BEST PICKUPLINE EVA

If there's one thing Guy Ernest knows, it's ladies. Here's a pickupline that will make the madam say DAM!

A night with me is like breakfast at Burger King - either way, you wake up with the king.

Boom!

2006-07-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

MEATHEADS RULE ON MYSPACE

Evidence A

As Montel Williams said, this is how we do it.

2006-07-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

HOW MUSIC AND POETRY SAVED MY LIFE

MySpace and meatspace are nice places for meatheads to be. But the blogosphere, like Kenny Loggins said, is a danger zone for meatheads. Luckily, I found the new Audioslave song and I learned how to write poetry. Listen up chowderhead:

That's the very end of my poem. It sounds like I got cut off, but the timing was actually perfect. Shout outs to Stereogum and Audioslave for the music, my girlfriend Toni for teaching me the wonders of poetry and 1up.com for being the only website that's nice to me. Those guys have good hearts. 1up.com might have some nerdy guys who aren't musclebound heroes like me, but I will protect them anytime, anyplace anywhere.

Have a happy July 4th weekend.

2006-07-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

GUY VS. MO

REMEMBER THAT LITTLE B**CH NAMED MO WHO LEFT A COMMENT ON MY POST ABOUT AMERICA AND PUKKA SHELL NECKLACES? WELL I RIP HIM A NEW ONE HERE. ROUND ONE, JACKASS. DO NOT PURSUE IT MO!! YA HEAR ME?

2006-07-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

SPORTS BLOG, WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME

Here I talk about a sports blog which is OK, but I disagree with. Also, I talk about what people think about me on Yahoo Answers. 1st question I asked was what people think of meatheads - second one what people think of my blog.

2006-07-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

FIRST I LOVE AMERICA,,,

Second, I love my girlfriend/friends/family,,,

3urd I love these

(pic taken by IPDUDEHI)

You call them puka shell necklaces, I call them the only jewelery that will ever get a guy laid. Ladies love these things. Believe me. They love the look of a guy getting strangled by cone snails. You don't only have to put it around your neck you know. You can put it around another head if you know what I'm talking about.

2006-07-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

2 KINDS OF COMEDY

Make that 3: unfunny (Yacht Rock), pretty funny, Joe Rogan, and really funny (me.) Here you be the judge.

That last joke I say is this:

"Who here likes sex? You like sex? Go fuck yourself."

2006-07-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have sore throat in this phone call to my blog. Sorry.

2006-07-08T02:17:00.000-07:00

I AM THE KING

Man, I beat my own record! I went to Zachary's on Long Island. I fingered 4 count em - 4 girls. Man, that was hot.

First won was called Sophie. Man, she was blond, big tits. She rubs her ass against my ass. I turn around and grind on her. We go to the vip and i finger her. We go to my Camaro, she sucks my salsich. Boom!

Next up, we have Sally. I french her. She mauls me. We go to VIP, I finger her. I could have gotten a bj, but I said "you wanna kiss the clown." She said she's afraid of clowns.

Finally, we have Teresa. Teresa is a hot milf. She drives me to a motel in Hempstead (the capri). After she makes me buy her some crack, I finger her. Then I saw the crust around her lips and ran.

Wotta wild night! Gotta go, Toni's coming.

2006-07-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

MY NEW MYSPACE FRIEND

Or shall I say, luvva.

This girl wants to be my friend - she is hotter than a steaming pile of horseshit at Disney World.

Anyway I add her.

She shows me her sexy webcam.

So I gave her my number and she's supposed to call me tonight.

My girlfriend's coming. Look, it's not cheating if it ;s over the fone

2006-07-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

I AM THEE OLD WISE KING OF THEE BRAIN AGE KINGDOM

Sorry, but I have the highest brain age score:

85

That's right, suck on it bitchez! ooooh!

2006-07-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

CITIZEN JOURNALISM AND MUSCLE MAGS

My girlfriend Toni left a blog on my screen called if:book.

It talks about networked journalism/citizen journalism. What it means, according to Toni, is that reporters aren't the only smart guys in the room; now people on the internet can help out with news stories.

Good. This means that maybe I can help out with muscle mags. These reporters; sometimes when I read these muscle mags, I laugh.

For eggzample, this article in Men's Fitness . It says you should focus on your arms cuz that's what people will notice this summer. Actually, you should focus on your pecs: we have a saying in the gym: pecs=sex. If that torso is flabby, your date will get crabby. If that torso is tight, she'll want it all night.

So there. Reporters don't know everything. You know, bloggers/blogging ain't so bad.

Now I'm gonna do crunches.

2006-07-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

GOODBYE GEEK CHIC, HELLO MEAT CHIC!

Out: Leet speak (pwned)
In: Meat speak (abused, herbed)

Out: Glasses
In: Eyes

Out: ironicy t-shirts
In: tank tops

Out: Arrested Development (about time, too)
In: Entourage, Tourgasm

Out: Internet with nerds writing whatever they want
In: Hollywood-style cable tv internet where only good looking muscleheads like me have a say.

(See, that's the thing with "bloggers;" they don't look good. They wear t-shirts, they don't work out. Look at the anchormen on TV. See the muscle they have. And the women. OOOOH! Soledad O'Brian, I'll leave you cryin.)

Out: Nerdy Internet Games like World of Dorkcraft
In: Cool online XBOX 360 games like Madden and Fight Night

LOOK NERDS, YOU BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION RIGHT? WELL LIKE DORKWIN SAID SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. AND BELIEVE ME, I'M THE FITTEST!

MEAT CHIC TILL I DIE - WHICH WILL HAPPEN LATE IN THIS EPOCH, BITCHEZ!

2006-07-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

Robert Kelley Don't Give a Fuck

I was watching ROBERT KELLY FROM TOURGASM WITH DANE COOK ON HBO SUNDAYS AT 11 OCLOCK. ROBERT KELLY ARGUES WITH THIS KOREAN GUY. REALLY FUNNY!!!! LOL!!!!

"I DON'T CONSIDER HIM AN AMERICAN"

MAN THAT WAS FUNNY LOlz. He ABUSED HIM. LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwOmSe5eyus

2006-07-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, Blogger? You think your funny not giving me a space to write my title? You don't know who you're fucking with, dummy. Wait till I get one of my boys to break your leggs.

Blogger; fuck bloggers. It's called a diary you fucking retard!